Bully Awareness

Last week I was invited to attend a school assembly.  Busting the Bullies was the focus of the event. In a humorous way the presenters explained the problem and drove home the point that there are ways to respond to the bullies in school ( fighting is not an option).

First they defined what bullying is; When one student (or a group) puts down another person consistently in order to get a laugh from friends, make him/herself feel better at the expense of another, or to somehow  feel better about their own lives by making another feel bad. Bullies often choose a child who is more of a loner or somehow different.  According to Steven Covey, one can only be at the effect of another if they hand over their power to the bully. We can only feel bad if we choose to feel bad. But most kids don’t know about Steven Covey.Covey explains there is a fraction of a second of time between the thought leading to action in which we can pause and choose our response. They didn’t talk about this during the assembly, but you can certainly explain this and reexplain this as needed at home.

The presenters urged students to:

• Stand together and stick up for anyone who is being singled out and made fun of.
• Say “Stop, I don’t like this!”
• Build up their own circles of friends
• Build their own self esteem

Bullying is not only an in person event. Social media,texting and cell phones all lend the bullies an opportunity to hurt. Protect your child. Have conversations about this and be aware of what is going on in their lives. Watch for changed attitudes and behaviors that might be a sign that something is going on. Teens tend to think that they can take care of things on their own. They also think that by letting their parents in on it, things might get worse for them. Bullying is serious stuff, but if your child is either the bully or being bullied it is an opportunity for some good life lessons. The kind that will make us better and more human, human beings.

Your Teen is Smarter Than You Think

So many teens feel like they are not smart because they compare their performance with classmates only on the academic or sports playing field. Unfortunately, teens only see themselves in relationship to others around them and base their self esteem and the plans for their future  on what they think about themselves from the school environment. So many teachers gear instruction for the learners who are word smart or logic smart. But there are 6 other intelligences and by focusing on using different teaching strategies, a greater success could be had by all.

We all have the 8 different kinds of smarts, just in different degrees and with different combination of  natural strengths. They include:

Word Smarts -  Linguistic Intelligence includes reading, writing, speaking, spelling , poetry, languages, etc.

Music Smarts  – Musical Intelligence includes singing, listening, playing music, remembering songs, etc. 

Logic Smarts – Logical Mathematical Intelligence includes numbers, statistics, cause and effect, counting things, strategy, mysteries,  etc.

Picture Smarts – Spatial Intelligence includes remembering faces, drawing, building things, watching movies and tv. doodling, making maps, photography, working with the arts, etc.

Body Smarts – Bodily Kinesthetics  Intelligence includes dance, moving and thinking, sports, gestures, good co-ordination, love for recess, acting, building things, etc.

People Smarts – Interpersonal Intelligence includes watching people, making friends easily, offering help to others, volunteering, concerns for others, empathy, etc.

Self Smarts – Intrapersonal Intelligence includes knowing about yourself, looking inwards, working well alone, reflective, looking for own answers not other’s opinions, sets self goals and meets them, etc.

Nature Smarts – Naturalist Intelligence includes gardening, being outdoors, camping, hiking, having street smarts, noticing nature, etc.

All of these smarts and different but equal and they can all be grown and developed. The different intelligences work together so getting to understand the individual’s strengths and using them, can help develop weaker areas. If all students believed this concept early on how might their school experience be different?

Powerful Questions

One of the things my mother did that really bothered me when I was a kid was asking closed, negative questions.  It was a  habit she got from her family;  I can remember overhearing phone conversations  with her sisters.  Here’s an example on the kind of questions I’m talking about……” You’re not thinking of  going out tonight, are you?” or ” You don’t believe that do you?” As soon as she would ask me a question similar to these when I was a rebellious teenager my mind would immediately go on the defense and I’d end up feeling bad or getting sassy back to her.

As a life coach I learned that the way we phrase questions a is very powerful skill. Well thought out questions take insight and practice but the effort is well worth it. Skillfully constucted questions get a better response because they don’t create barriers. In addition they help the other person create new brain connections as their brains search for an appropriate, productive response rather than giving an automatic answer. Questions that begin with a who, what, when or where are fine for starters.

Even the way you ask yourself questions is important.  “Why do my daughter and I always fight?”  is a question that can much better be answered by changing to a positive approach,  ” How can my daughter and I find more peace in our relationship?” When  a question is asked the mind immediately begins to search for the answer from its files. Asking the question in a way that the answer can be found in a positive file will lead to a more desirable solution.

Asking well constructed questions take time and skill but is well worth the effort. It is one of the keys that will lead to better communication with your teenager. It may seem awkward at first, but in time will become automatic.

Raising a New Generation

Teenagers are different today from kids 20 years ago. The parenting skills and tactics our parents used raising us worked at that time, but technology has undeniably changed the world effecting everything, including teenagers. Since the 80′s a new list of predominant teen behaviors was developed according to Barbara McRae from her book,  Coach Your Teen to Success.  Here they are:

• They have short attention spans and get easily distracted.

• They have lots more physical energy.

• They are highly sensitive and empathetic.

• They have a great need for attention and quality time.

• They resist absolute authority.

• They are strong-willed and can’t be forced to do anything.

• They have trouble bonding with others who are unlike themselves.

• They are frustrated with the status quo and look for a better way out.

• They speak with conviction and ask for what they want.

• They sense hidden feelings and can get very angry when they feel insincerity or disrespect.

Businesses  are going though a shift as they change their approach from managing employees to unitizing sound  leadership skills. The same is taking place in classrooms and families. Coaching serves as a method that can effectively foster healthy communications, build relationships, and enhance trust and confidence. How can you find out more about what coaching is all about? www.ipcoaching.net

Parenting a Teen

Nobody said parenting a teen was going to be easy.  Dealing with emotional changes, miscommunication, ups and downs and peer pressure puts parents at a loss to figure out how to do the right thing. It may not always seem like it but here’s a list of the top things teens want from their parents.

• A feeling of being understood
•  Freedom to make decisions even if they aren’t perfect
• Parents that are trustworthy
• Parents that will give advice and opinions when asked for rather than being forced upon
• Parents that participate in their lives
• Parents that show consideration and respect to them
• Parents to understand how important friends are
•  A feeling of being connected and loved

Put this list somewhere where you can go back to it to remind yourself often. Find opportunities each day to demonstrate your own understanding as a parent for where they are in this time of their life.

Talking To Your Teen

Do you feel like you’re hitting a brick wall when you’re trying to talk to your teenage child? Do you feel like you can talk till you’re ” blue in the face” and never succeed in getting through to them? You’re not alone. I love the quote by an unknown author remembering his own youth…”When I was a  boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one,  I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. “

Using a coaching approach at times communicating with teenagers is a highly effective way to open up the channels. He will think that you have turned a new leaf. As a life coach I learned that by applying certain skills I actually am helping people make new brain connections.

Here’s a few examples…Instead of saying ” How was your day today?” replace it with ” What surprised you today?”  If they mention an event that happened rather than saying ” That’s good,” or  “That’s too bad..” replace it with, ” What would you have liked to have happened,” or ” Tell me more.”

Getting your teen to open takes skill. We’ll talk more about this soon. It is one of my coaching passions.

The Benefits of Teens and Technology

Being connected through the internet, cell phones and social networking is here and is not going away. Yes, new dangers present themselves as I previously wrote about. On the other hand there are also great new benefits.

When I was in college, I was able to call home once a week. A time was prearranged, and I went down to hall hopefully to find the phone free so I could call my mom.
Calling someone was a commitment. Things have changed for the better.

The first obvious benefit was when my son was first using the car. I was a whole lot more relaxed knowing that we could be in fast communication if need be. Due to the cell phone, email and other forms of communication that has popped up over the last 20 years we have been enjoying a close and connected relationship.

It’s also nice to know that if there is a horrid tragedy such as 911 or the shootings at Virginia Tech, we can now be in instant communication with our loved ones. Television and radio has done a great job keeping us up to date on the mass communicational levels, but sometimes can leave us in the dark on personal levels. The cell phone has been the bridge to this pit-fall.

Despite the security issues that have recently arisen with social networking sites, we have had the pleasure of staying connected with people, who otherwise, we would not have kept up with or we wouldn’t be able to know otherwise. Our teens have the opportunity to be connected with people from around the world, working together with others and sharing their ideas to make this world a better, friendlier place for all.